HUNGRY GERALD

HG and family are driving to a Cape Cod vacation. HG’s mood is foul. HG is Mister Grouch. HG is in the midst of one of his attempts to stop smoking and nicotine withdrawal is driving him nuts. HG and family are ravenous. HG refuses to make a food stop. “Just wait. We’re in New England. When we get to Falmouth we’ll have big bowls of real New England clam chowder.” Falmouth at last. HG and family enter a promising restaurant with a nautical name like: “Salty Captain Bill’s Clam Shanty.” Yum!! The bowls of The Real Original New England Clam Chowder are presented. HG has a taste. Famished little Jeremy raises a spoon. HG screams: “Don’t touch it!! This is EXCREMENT!! EXCREMENT!! EXCREMENT!! (of course, HG uses a shorter, coarser word).   HG has tasted the alleged clam chowder.  It has the hue, consistency and taste of library paste mixed with a dash of brackish water.  There are no chunks of clam.  It smells like wet dog.  Crazed HG keeps screaming. Customers try to avert their eyes.  HG and family get up to leave. A  bill is presented.  “Are you mad? Do you actually think I am going to pay to eat EXCREMENT?”  Consternation and embarrassment.  Little Jeremy tries to hide.   Pre-teenage Lesley realizes that her father is a lunatic.  Rational Beautiful Sharon says: “Hey, it’s only a bowl of bad chowder.” The waitress says: “I am calling the police.” Seething,  HG throws a bill on the floor.   Exit.   Later ironic discovery: An outstanding chowder and fried clam shack is on the Falmouth waterfront,  a block from Captain Bill’s EXCREMENT establishment.

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§ 4 Responses to The Clam: Chowder Disappointment Leads To Family Woe"

• Peter Hellman says:

  December 16, 2010 at 4:35 pm

  THIS RESPONSE OF HG TO THE LIBRARY-PASTE CHOWDER, FAR FROM BEING AN EMBARRASSMENT, WAS A NOBLE ACT! IF MORE MORE OF US WOULD ERUPT INTO UNGOVERNABLE ANGER WHEN PRESENTED WITH LIBRARY PASTE IN THE BOWL, OR ITS EQUIVELANT ON THE PLATE, THERE WOULD BE MUCH LESS OF THE BAD STUFF. WE ARE TOO PASSIVE, TOO FEARFUL OF CAUSING A SCENE OR LOUDLY SUGGESTING THAT THE CHEF SHOULD FIND NEW AND MORE SUITABLE EMPLOYMENT AS A TOLL BOOTH ATTENDANT. ONE REASON THE FRENCH DINE SO WELL IS THAT THEY WILL NOT ACCEPT CRAPPY FOOD. AND SO THE KITCHEN DARES NOT SERVE IT TO THEM. LET’S TAKE A CUE FROM HG AND ACT MORE LIKE THE FRENCH!!
  Peter Hellman

  Reply
  • Gerry says:

    December 16, 2010 at 6:14 pm

    Romans or Bolognese would not complain. They would burn down the restaurant. A few years ago a Roman restaurateur noted on his menu that his fish was fresh. It was discovered the fish was frozen (an informer in the kitchen). The knavish restaurateur went to jail. The cook who prepared my Falmouth library paste bowl should have been beheaded (a nice French punishment).

    Reply
• Jeremy says:

  December 17, 2010 at 12:35 pm

  From the clarification department…said establishment was, in fact, called CAPTAIN TOBY’s CHOWDER HOUSE. I also have to note that we were seated next to a table of nuns.

  Reply
  • Gerry says:

    December 17, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Thanks for the valuable clarification. As to the nuns: Sensitive HG did not blaspheme. He only uttered scatological obscenities.

    Reply